Introduction

I remember sitting in a folding chair listening to someone share their story of how Christ had changed their life. Instead of being happy for them, I was trying to figure out why my own life was such a mess. They were saying something about how they accepted Christ and things changed, but I accepted Christ and still felt the same. They talked about how grateful they were, but the only thing I was grateful for was that I could choose to end my life if I needed to. Why was my story so different from theirs? I’d been in church all my life, so I should feel better than they do. Could it be that I wasn’t really a Christian? Perhaps Christianity wears off after a time. What if it’s just a temporary feeling that stays only until you wake up to the reality that life is a cold, hard, miserable place? It seemed like I was facing two possibilities. Either I wasn’t a Christian, or their happiness was short-sighted.

Everyone went up to congratulate them on their talk and ask for more details about the story. I didn’t go up to them and talk to them that day or any other day. Instead, I avoided them. I didn’t want to hear any more of their fairy-tales and I especially didn’t want them to ask me about my life. I made myself busy with other things, burying myself in tasks that would keep me isolated from everyone else. I needed time to think. I had checked all the Christian boxes. I was serving in Church. I truly wanted to love and serve Christ. Yet, instead of feeling happy, I felt despair. Instead of feeling love, I hated people around me. Instead of feeling peace, I was consumed with veiled jealousy (I thought I wasn’t jealous, but I still compared my life to others). I believed that if I died I would go to heaven, which gave me hope, but I felt like I didn’t belong here — like I was an alien living on the wrong planet.

A lot of people believe that once you become a Christian, all your problems go away. They believe that God sends peace to you like the clouds send rain, and if you’re not happy it’s because you’re not accepting the generous shower of happiness God promises to all Christians. Other people believe that when you accept Christ, you get a mental boost, which creates a false sense of happiness or euphoria. They believe that being Christian means changing your mental state, which tricks your brain into thinking you’re happy or content just by positive energies. Both of those ways of thinking are fragile, dangerous, and unscriptural. People have a tendency to quote everything good in the Bible without recognizing the more challenging stuff. I do believe that as a Christian, there is a way to find a sustainable happiness that can’t be taken away, but it’s important to note that while the Bible does provide us with many promises of peace and joy, it also guarantees we will have suffering and sadness.

• You will weep while the world rejoices (John 16)
• Rain falls on the just and the unjust (Matthew 5)
• Everyone will hate you because of me (Mark 13)
• In this world you will have troubles (John 16)
• Many are the afflictions of the righteous (Psalm 34)

Here’s the weird thing: I had no reason to be unhappy. I had cars and houses (yes, plural), a wonderful wife and a wonderful career, and just about anything I wanted. It turns out that your emotions and feelings don’t always match reality. I read a psychology book when I was a kid, and I learned a lot. I wish I remembered the name of it, so I could read it again. The book explained that to a person, the world isn’t what exists, but rather what they can see from where they’re at. It means that my internal world is reality to me — even if it doesn’t align with other people’s view of the world. It was frustrating. People would hear me talk about being sad or lonely and tell me “you have so many things” or “you have so many friends!” The fact is that I was sad. I shouldn’t have to defend that, and neither should you. If you’re sad, you’re sad, and no one else can change that with mere words. What’s more is that your rational mind can’t even change it. If your emotional mind sees your life as sad, then it is sad. If your rational mind knows that your life isn’t sad, then it can’t just tell your emotional mind that it should be happy. The emotional mind and rational mind don’t necessarily listen to or even believe each other. However, I did learn after several years how to be happy. In essence, I discovered how to work with my emotional mind, and learned that if your emotional mind can be SAD when reality is HAPPY, it also has the power to be HAPPY when reality is not happy.

As you’re reading this book, you might think of me as successful, self-assured, or audacious, but I don’t feel that way. The truth is that I’m scared. Once this book is out, I can’t take it back. Everyone will know about the dumpster-fire of a life I’ve lived. This book is not for me, for money, or because I’m smart, but rather because it’s needed. As we exit this pandemic, we’re heading into a second pandemic — a mental health pandemic. In 2020, the Pew Research corporation conducted a survey of adults regarding their mental health. People were broken up into categories of how often they felt depressed.

Days of the week	5-7 days	3-4 days	1-2 days	< 1 day
People affected	8%	14%	27%	51%

Yet, when I did my initial research on this information I found reports saying that about 20% of people are depressed. That means that they’re only considering people who feel depressed more than 3 days out of the week. Call me crazy, but I’d like to feel depressed 0% of the week. It would be more accurate to show that 49% of people reported feeling depressed on a weekly basis. I found the same thing with hopelessness. The Pew Research found 22% of people feel hopeful most of the week, but the news reports that 17% of people feel hopeless. That means the news is reporting on the bottom percent and ignoring the nearly 80% have no hope at least once a week. I would prefer to be hopeful 100% of the time. Something needs to be done. While many people will be providing help and services in the area of mental health and economic support, I have a separate gift. I’ve lived through it for 30 years and I know a way out. It may not be THE way out, but it’s A way out. I’m not an expert on your brain or your problems. I’m only an expert in my own deep and relentless misery that I have lived for so long, and I’m quite certain of the path I took to claw my way out of that life. I want to help you — especially if you’re hurting the way that I was. If you can relate to what you read, I hope it helps you. If you can’t relate, I hope you had a good time reading it, and I simply ask that you not be too harsh when you judge me.

This book is a safe place. You may be afraid of mental health professionals — I am not one. I did find the mental health professionals were instrumental in my journey and highly recommend them, but this book isn’t about that. Perhaps you’re afraid of taking medicine to help with your mind — this book is not a pill. I do believe that medication can help you while you start your journey, but I have found zero evidence that there is a pill that will completely cure depression. There’s a significant amount of work that you have to put in, and this book is the same way. It won’t solve your issues unless you’re willing to put in a little work yourself. The best thing about this book is that it won’t judge you. You’ll know the junk from my life, but I won’t know any of the junk from yours. That makes this a safe place. You can read and be honest with yourself about what you’re going through without having to fear reprisal or accusations from anyone else.

If there were a way to give you everything you need to know on one page, I would do so right here. However, I don’t believe that it’s possible. I spent several years fluctuating between feeling up and feeling down. One week I would feel like the king of the world. The next week I would feel like I was so worthless that if you paid for me in garbage you ought to demand a refund. I would have given anything to teleport past the mess and right to the secret, but that wouldn’t have worked. The mess IS the secret — or at least part of it. Fortunately, you don’t have to live it, because I lived it for you and wrote it down in a book. As much as I’d like to write a one-sentence summary that would work for you, I don’t think it’s possible. Like crossing a pond, sometimes you have to go backward before you can go forwards. So let’s start at the beginning.