Chapter 11: It’s not About You

In time, my career in the Air Force ended, and I transitioned to civilian life. I enjoyed working for money again and having more control over my own schedule. I also benefited from my prior service in being able to access the (VA) Veterans Health Administration and to pay for college.

Still, that tugging inside me wouldn’t let up. I still wanted very much to not be alive anymore. I visited the VA Hospital and got booked to see a psychologist. Some of the questions he would routinely ask bugged me.

“Do you cry for no reason?”

That question was perplexing to me, since I wanted to cry, but couldn’t. I want to mention it, because I used to discount myself. I would say that this question didn’t apply to me since I never cried. In reality, I carried with me a deep and bitter sadness that nothing seemed to sway. But I didn’t cry.

In the past, I used alcohol to at least numb it, but now I didn’t know what to do.

I thought I would feel better if I cried, so I would close myself in the closet and sit there thinking about how miserable I was. Hours passed as I sat on the cold floor, but never would I cry — not even if I tried. The answer, by the way, is “yes.” It wasn’t a biological question about how many tears I had shed. It was a question about whether I was sad enough to cry without obvious reason. And I was.

“Do you have thoughts of killing yourself?”

I pondered silently:

Do I answer this, or not? I want to get help, but I don’t want people to think I’ve lost it.

I finally told him that I think about killing myself three to five days a week. It was a fairly accurate answer. Enough to move on.

“It’s perfectly normal to think about killing yourself”

I was dumbfounded. Why would it be okay to think about killing myself? He went on to talk about the concept. He told me that if the thoughts or feelings were unwanted, then there may be something underlying. By not allowing myself to be distracted by the heavier feelings, I could think more about the root.

I still had significant negative self-talk that he helped me to find. I would say things like “That was the worst decision ever!” With time, he encouraged me to reframe it by saying “that could have gone better.”

Not only that, but you can always find good in bad. Not the cheesy type like wrecking your car and saying “at least I didn’t die!” Rather, if you get fired, it’s an opportunity to find a better fitting job. If you get a poor grade in college, at least you know you need to study. Imagine if you found out your heart surgeon got straight D’s and wasn’t aware of it. I’d prefer them to at least know they did poorly, so they can be more careful.

While changing this self-talk helped a lot, the frustrations were still there. I was upset and sad. I knew that I could be happier, but didn’t know how. I knew I could be a better person, but wasn’t sure the route to take. No matter how much I beat myself up I was still the same person — just with more bruises.

I talked to a pastor who was both patient and opinionated. I told him that I was frustrated. I was not the person I wanted to be. I was trying with all my strength to be someone else. Yet no matter how hard I tried, I was falling flat on my face.

“That’s because you’re human,” he answered. “The good news is you can’t make yourself a better person.”

I frowned in confusion, “and that’s good news?”

“Yes,” he replied earnestly. “The greatest miracle that God ever performed was changing the human heart. Trust him, and seek him. He can make you into the person he desires.”

That answer gave me a mixture of feelings. I can’t fix myself, but God can. The amount of faith required to get from here to there appeared insurmountable. First, I have to believe that there is a “God” (which I did). Then, I had to believe that he could and would change me. Finally, I had to be patient and allow him to do his thing.

It seemed like wishful or magical thinking to me, and I wasn’t a fan. I had tried to fix the problems myself, however, and was unsuccessful. I relate to people who have troubles believing in God with this talk. I had real problems and real hurts, but the best ammunition the pastor gave me is to trust something that I can’t see or hear. Though I lobbed prayers up to God, he didn’t answer.

I was mentally drowning. I’d checked all the boxes I knew to check, yet I still suffered. I hurt all the time in spite of therapy and medication. People believed in me, yet I felt my life was pointless. I was so tired of useless and empty advice, but I knew there was still something missing.

I sat in a wooden chair, put my head in my hands and thought. I blocked out all sound, light, and feelings. I closed my eyes, and went to my mind castle where I put all the thoughts on the walls. As I looked at all the arguments in my mind, I realized something. If I kill myself tonight, no one will ever know if there was a way out.

I was convinced there was an answer, and I was determined to find it. Either the answer was an irrefutable reason for killing myself, or an undeniable cause for living another day. I stood up and shut the door to the room. It would remain that way for several weeks. Nothing was going to stop me from answering this question.

I cleared out everything from the room. The only things that remained were my laptop, a Bible, and plenty of paper to help me contemplate. I took off my shoes and sat in the floor, but this time I wasn’t trying to cry. This time I wasn’t sulking in self-pity. I was tearing through everything I could to find answers.

I started taking everything from my mind palace and putting it on paper. I drew a circle in the middle that represented my present situation. I thought about all my options and drew them out. Just like catastrophizing, but on paper. I could go back to drinking and smoking, and live on a park bench. Then what happens? I drew it all out, connecting more lines and circles as I thought through each possibility. Alternatively, I could kill myself. Then what happens?

I was angry at so many things. I was angry at life for being so full of pain. I was angry at people who tried to help me, but only stirred the mud in my mind. I was angry at people who hurt me, whether they meant to or not. Mostly I was angry at myself. Why can’t I be normal like everyone else? Why can’t I be happy? Why couldn’t I figure this out!

I was hurt. No, that’s too soft of a word. I was bitter. The feelings of pain were like thorns wrapped around every blood vein in my body. Whenever I would talk to someone, they would tug on those thorns, and pain would shoot through my insides from head to toe. I didn’t want to talk to anyone ever again.

I have to say that the exception was my wife. I don’t know what it is with her, but she always accepted me no matter how messed up I was. She didn’t view me as something that needed to be fixed (except when it came to my diet). She regarded me as a friend that accompanied her through life. In the same way you don’t throw out a beat up teddy bear, she never abandoned me, no matter how broken I was.

I was done. I was done listening to people who didn’t know how to solve the problems, but pretended they did. I know there is a way to come to a definitive answer, but I’m going to have to find it for myself.

I opened my laptop and started looking for information on death and suicide. I would alternate between searching the internet and reading my bible. As I was reading, I stumbled across a verse from Ephesians. I was floundering in the futility of my thinking, and this verse had insight.

[…] you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.Ephesians 4:17-19

I was unsettled and scared. I was definitely hard-hearted and tired of listening to others. When I stopped listening, my understanding was darkened. Listening isn’t merely hearing people’s words, or doing what you’re told. Listening is an active participation by the hearer, wherein you attempt to understand the other person as a distinct entity from yourself.

What alarmed me was this passage says things get worse. I will eventually lose all sensitivity and end up in places I don’t want to be. A friend of mine went down this road not long ago. He started seeking money to the point where he was willing to do anything to get it. He hired women based on their appearance, rather than seeking skilled people. Eventually, insatiable greed consumed him, and he became perpetually unsatisfied.

Essentially, if I didn’t get my hard-heartedness under control, I was going to lose everything. Not only physically, but mentally as well. I couldn’t allow myself to become a potato. I spent hours scrambling around the Bible foraging for a better understanding, but I came up empty.

Graphic content

Switching back to the internet, I watched a documentary narrated by a person who killed himself. Yes, that is what it sounded like. With the help of his wife, he recorded his thinking over the several month journey. Finally, making his decision, he and his wife traveled to an assisted suicide facility.

He was such a sweet man, helping his wife with everything that he could on their journey. They went into a special apartment together where they would finalize the process. A physician administered a lethal cocktail, and the man became unresponsive. In a few hours, he was declared dead. I was convinced that when the documentary was over, I was going to find out how to do the same thing.

She gathered all their things and walked alone to the car. She had to carry all the luggage and suitcases to the car by herself. She got in the car alone, and drove to the airport alone. She got on the plane alone, with no one to help with her carryon. As I watched her struggling to do basic things, I realized just how much impact a single person can have.

The clenching fist that had strangled my heart for years finally let go. I collapsed onto the floor and sobbed. The terrible thing about a death isn’t the momentary pain of hearing they passed. It’s not the struggle at the funeral. It’s the daily ache of doing everything without them. Whether I was a mediocre help, or a pain in the butt, I would never be those things again.

What can I do? I don’t want to keep living, but I absolutely will not subject someone to her pain. I collected myself and turned back to the Bible. As I was reading through it, I stumbled on another passage that stood out to me.

I scanned over the mind map I’d drawn. Endless trails of ideas, and I didn’t know how to choose the next step. As I observed how each path terminated, I realized the biggest factor in the decisions wasn’t me. In all these situations, I experience life, and eventually I die. However, the people who are affected are the ones around me.

If I kill myself, the people around me stop having me around. If I live on the street drinking and smoking, people lose my support, and some gain an unhealthy influence. No matter what choice I select, the determining factor are the people who I influence.

Anyone who builds on that foundation may use a variety of materials—gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person’s work has any value. If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss.1 Corinthians 3:12-15a

Here’s the Samuel Dillow interpretation. Firstly, I do believe in God, and in heaven, so that wasn’t much of a stretch for me. After reading this passage, I imagine getting to heaven and hearing God ask “what have you done with your life?”

God watches patiently as I stack up my life before him. I tell him all about having the best ice cream I ever ate, and as I do, I sprinkle some straw on the floor. Then I put some wood on the pile as I tell him about a team I led at work writing software for banks. I mention a person who was crying, and I encouraged through scripture. I smile gently as I drop a tiny diamond into the pile, and it tumbles along the wood into the nest of straw at the bottom.

God waits patiently as I continue to tell him all about my awesome and majestic life. When I’ve said everything I can remember, I take a step back and look at the massive pile. It’s amazing how much of it is filled with straw, representing the pleasures and self-indulgence in my life. While I have some altruistic moments, they reflect me more than they do God, and those are the wood logs.

“Are you done?” God asks patiently. I nod in silence, staring at the sum of my life sitting in front of me. God calmly lights a match and sets it atop the heap. A sigh escapes my lips as I watch all the grass burn simultaneously. The pleasure in life is so fleeting. Flames continue to lick at the logs, which eventually give way and turn to ash. Works I did that I thought would last decades are nothing in the scope of eternity.

The fire rages with intense heat for a few moments, showing the quality of all my life. Eventually, the last embers give way to bits of ash, and nothing is left. There is nothing to show for my entire life on earth. My shoulders slump forward as I realize how much time I’ve wasted.

A gentle breeze caresses me and stirs some ash as it moves along the remains of my life. The breeze gets stronger, carrying with it the flakes of charred embers, leaving the floor clean. As I look closer, I see the diamond still remains. The one person that I impacted for God stands proudly among the many actions of my life.

Tears tumble out of my face as I realize I mattered. I look up at God, and he winks back at me knowingly.

In Matthew 22, Jesus tells a story of a massive party in heaven. God wants to invite everyone to his party. Some people hear about it and scoff. They turn back to their daily routine and ignore the invitation. I accepted his invitation, and have access to the party.

The question I ask is this: if God wants me at the party, then why didn’t I go to heaven when I accepted him? The answer according to 1 Corinthians 3 is clear to me. I’m still here so that I can help as many people as possible while waiting for the party to start. If I had the diamond revelation when I was younger, I would have lived my life so differently. The only thing that matters is other people.

Life isn’t about you. What you do for you largely amounts to nothing. What you do for others, in the will of God, will stand forever.

If you’re not ready to accept God or Jesus, don’t worry about it. Just remember that if life were about you, movies would make you smart, sleeping would make you fit, and candy would make you healthy. It’s not about you.

And that’s the big trick I learned. If you are seeking to obtain happiness, you will never find it. Happiness doesn’t ever flow into you from others. It can only flow out of you toward others. Look at the diagram of purpose again.

We spend all our life trying to GET JOY from our purpose. As if the outside world were a bank account of joy we can draw from. It’s easy to be misled by this, since fulfilling your purpose makes you feel happy. However, if you’re seeking to get joy from your purpose, you will eventually overdraw your bank account. You’ll be left sitting amidst a pile of charred paper, not knowing what went wrong.

Life isn’t about you. Joy isn’t something you get, it’s something you give. You choose a skill because it gives joy to others, not yourself. You choose an occupation because others benefit, not yourself. To get the most diamonds out of life, you have to consider who will be impacted by what you do. The things that only benefit you end up burning like straw in the fiery test of heaven.

Any selfish need is empty and impossible to fill. No matter how much you try, you will always find room for more. It’s like a magical suitcase that still has room, no matter how much you pack. James said this in chapter three.

[…] if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.James 3:14-16

Whoa! Why would a book on hope use such strong language?! The purpose isn’t to alarm, but to inform. When we undertake self-service, we find we are never satisfied. If you have a team of soccer players, and each is playing for themselves, then you have disorder. But he goes on

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.James 3:17-18

If we focus on others, and try to give joy instead of getting it, then we will find we are overflowing with more to give.

Sometimes people won’t appreciate the gifts we give them, but if you gave for them, and not for yourself, then you will have the peace of knowing that you did the best you could. Paul explains this in a different way in Corinthians.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. […] So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.1 Corinthians 10:23-24,31

[Possible quote: “Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”]

You say, “hey, I have to eat or I’ll die!”. That’s right. Therefore, you can do things that take care of your physical body for the sake of others. For the more you take care of yourself, the better you can serve others. However, if your self-service preempts helping others, then it may be selfishness disguised as altruism.

One day I was helping with an event at our church. There was way too much to do, and I wanted to help everyone so much that I forgot to eat. A lady saw what was going on, so she went to the other room and got food together. She brough it to me and said I needed to eat. She was right. I gladly accepted the food, ate, and got back to work.

Either extreme would have been a misdirection from my purpose. If I had eaten for an hour instead of working, then it would have been self-serving. If I had refused the food to martyr myself out of love, then I would have performed more poorly and inconvenienced others.

As a combat arms instructor in the military we constantly told people not to use their self-aid kits on other people. If your buddy falls, use their self-aid kit to help them. If you use yours, then when they are taken to the hospital, you will have none. What’s worse is if you have none, someone else will have to use theirs to help you.

There are two things that continue to make a big impact on my life. One is pastor Craig Groeschelle. He is highly successful. He leads multiple churches. He runs the Bible app. He is the president of the Global Leadership Network. He writes books. All this while managing a family of five. During the pandemic of 2019 and 2020, Craign Groeschelle helped tens of thousands of churches move online with a new church online platform.

I imagine if I were Craign Groeschele, I would feel pretty confident about myself and my abilities. If I had written books I would feel eloquent. If I had hundreds of thousands of followers I would feel prolific. I would look at a mountain and say “yup. I can climb that.”

However, even he sees a therapist. The mightiest leaders in the world are still held up by the surrounding people. The strongest and most bullet-proof leaders still go home and cry some days. If you’re having a rough day, remember that makes you among the greatest.

This is the end of my emotional roller coaster of a life. Oh, I have plenty left to life, and it’s got good days and bad. Yet in the distressing days I still remember James 1.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.James 1:2-5

God allows trials in our lives to hone us and make us better. Whatever you’re going through, remember that there’s light on the other side. Not in spite of what you’re enduring, but because of it. As a result of going through hard times, you will be better. Even if you’re not necessarily stronger or wiser, you’ll have more experience to draw from. That experience can help you avoid the same mistakes, or relate better to people around you.

Whenever my dad has a bad day, he stops and says “God, what are you trying to show me.” When I hear him say brings me encouragement. In any struggle, you can stop and ask “what is the lesson here?”

John Maxwell has written some excellent books on leadership. In his book 360° leadership, he mentions he will do a conference, and people will come up to him afterwards and say “I want to do what you do.” What they mean is they want the one hour of Fame and public speaking that he had. They mean they want to appear as blissful, successful, and charismatic as he does. They don’t want over two thousand hours of work that went into that moment. He says that people often want what they see, but they don’t want the work that goes into it.

In the same way, many times we meet people who seem highly successful or happy on the outside, but in reality have internal turmoil. We idolize their cheerful exterior. We’re jealous of their apparent success. Yet if we were to live one week in their minds, we would probably wish we were back in our own minds. When you don’t like the life you live, it’s not time to get a different life. It’s time to discover how you can wisely spend the life that you have.

Before you go, I want to encourage you to do something. Make four lists. In the first list, write ten things that you’re good at. Anything is valid, from telling jokes to washing cars. In the second list, write ten things that you enjoy. Next, write ten things that provide value to others. Finally, write ten things that are needed in the world.

You may be tempted to skip something in list two or three, because you already wrote it in another list, but don’t worry. Duplicates are okay, because the next thing you’re going to do is find any item that exists in three or more lists. That item may well be your purpose.

If you don’t find an item that spans all four lists, then it may still be your purpose. For example, if you love dentistry, but can’t finish school, you can still start a dental nonprofit that helps the underprivileged get the dental care they need. You’ll have to find a dentist, but you may find that in spite of a lack of a dental career, you make an admirable president.

Finally, remember to pivot. YCombinator is a California-based business that helps people start the business of their dreams. One of the things that they encourage people to do is to pivot. Sometimes you have to take your idea and change a significant portion of it to remain relevant. If you find your purpose, you may need to pivot occasionally as the world changes. If you haven’t found your purpose, you may be close, and only need a small pivot to get there.

…